You know that feeling when you have been waiting for something
for a while. Not like a sharp wait which cuts through you but a wait which
remains there, somewhere submerged in your mind. And you wish that it is
responded, to equip one better to deal with situations. Situations which are
not imaginary. Situations which occur and you don’t know how to react, what to
do finally ending up a guilty conscious of inaction. This training was my
answer to that wait. Active Bystanders training organized by Peace, Conflict, and Coexistence Studies (PAX) and Sociology
department at Brandeis University facilitated by Quabbin Mediation was worth going
to even at the end of my day.
What does being an Active Bystander mean to me?
Someone who is not lost when a situation of discrimination
or abuse occurs. Someone who proactively takes action to confront, diffuse or
respond back to the situation. As a truth, I have not been one many times in
life even though I have wanted to be one every single time the situation arose.
At the very beginning, the training program set up the stage
that we have all been ‘target’ as well as ‘harm doer’ to others in our lives.
Thus, being any one of them does not make us any ‘good’ or ‘bad’ respectively. Doing
harm can be anything, verbal or physical abuse based on a certain identity- of
race, caste, gender, sexuality, ability, class or most often intersections of
them! This harm is perpetuated intentionally or even unintentionally in the
society due to our behavior patterns and privileges. We have also been
‘Bystanders’, probably more than the above two categories in our lives. Being
active or passive is a choice though- which depends on our own positionality.
Our identities make us privileged or vulnerable to say something or shut up!
The most interesting aspect of the training for me was the
categorization of ‘inhibitors’ of active Bystandership. Unless we recognize what
stops us to take action- we won’t start taking action. Right?
These inhibitors included a wide range of behaviors
including Masks (ignoring that a harm is happening), Who me
(Diffusion of responsibility), Confusion (unsure if harm is happening), Fear
(Fear of disapproval) and Danger (Possibility of revenge or retaliation
against you). Breaking each of these down with examples and brainstorming
within small groups was a powerful exercise. Sharing of examples and some
honest conversations made me feel that I was ‘part of a flock’ and taking
action in certain situations is not always possible. On the other hand, various
actions taken by people in difficult situations also gave me a feeling of hope.
My small list of things for active Bystanders to do as a take away is as
follows:
·
Call out or name the problem. If you are
afraid to reach out alone, name it aloud to catch other people’s attention. For
example, Oh, the lady is crying/ bleeding/ or needs help? This will get
somebody’s attention and you will be an active recruiter.
·
Recruit allies. Don’t do it alone. Recruit
others in the task. Use phrases aloud like; Did you see that? Should we do
something? Sometimes designating someone to do something while you do another
part of the job is also helpful. For example, ‘You call the police while I
attend to the first aid of the victim’. Together we can do more.
·
Be the first one to act. This will break
the mask. Most of us are empathetic poeple, we just don’t know how to start
acting in that way. If you are unsure or in confusion about whether harm is
actually intended, ask a follow up question. For example, if you hear a racist
or sexist comment at workplace, ask ‘Can you explain why you think so?’ This
will let them recheck their stereotypes and give courage to others to speak up
as well!
·
Reach out to the ‘victim/ target’.
Sometimes just asking the target ‘Do you need help?’ can guide us about what to
do or clear our confusion that some help is needed.
·
Reach out to the ‘harm doer’. Sometimes just
going up to the harm doer can startle them and give chance to the target to
escape. For example going to someone who’s causing harm and saying, ‘Oh, are
you alright. Did that person do something wrong to you for you to behave like
this with them?’ Though, this can depend on the context. Approaching the abuser
at a scene of domestic violence in South-East Asia might not a good idea! They
may not be startled at all!
·
Getting your body in-between. This might
not be possible (or safe) always but it’s a good idea whenever possible. It
does require a lot of courage though.
With these action points, the conversation shifted to courage.
Each of us shared moments of courage or the lack of it in pairs! There were
plenty of stories shared by participants during the training of denouncing
racism, acts of Bystander courage and even what to do when perceived as a harm
doer!
With my paired partner, LaQuasia’s permission, I am sharing this
beautiful story of courage.
One night, LaQuasia and her friends were out dancing. She
saw a girl come out of restroom onto the dance floor. Seeing her alone, a guy
approached her and was trying to act funny with her. She seemed visibly
distressed and was looking out for her friends who didn’t seem in sight. No one
seem to have noticed the distressed girl. LaQuasia, who does not usually like
confrontation, gathered all her courage and walked up to the scene. She put her
arms around the girl saying, ‘Oh gosh, its so great to see you here. How are
you doing?’ She pretended that she knew the girl. There was a look of bewilderment
on the face of the girl. Drawing close, LaQuasia whispered in her ear, ‘You
needed help right?’ As she understood LaQuasia’s intention, she started weeping
out of gratitude. The guy was surprised to see that his target was not alone
and stepped back. In this beautiful moment of courage, LaQuasia was able to put
her body between the two, preventing further harm to the target.
What struck me about the story was the attitude of
‘inclusive care’ by LaQuasia. She practiced ‘care’ about people other than she
closely identified with! This is what builds a community. Just acting as a
Bystander may change our lives and others as well. ‘When a person harms another, they change. When a person
helps another, they change’ is what we learned from the training. We can choose
what to do!
I DO NOT claim that I will do take action every time I witness
something happening. I will still have my mask, my fears and my sense of
danger. But at least I now have an idea where to start!
