It had been a difficult week with the loss of a loved one in the family and emotional distress manifesting as physical ailments. It is so interesting what your mind can do to your body! I really needed sometime away from working woman and parent role this weekend. And coffee/tea with a friend seemed like the perfect thing to do.
Sipping hot tea and coffee at Common Good Cafe, we looked outside! It was snowing and the early afternoon looked so pretty, and yet melancholy at the same time. We talked about life!
As anyone who has seen someone suffer from long-term illness from close knows, it is not only the person who suffers. The care taker is the one who blends in the background but suffers as much- if not more. Most often when this suffering ends for the person, it tends to continue for the care-taker as a loss of purpose as well as emptiness. Their whole life gets sucked into care-taking that imagining a life after- becomes very difficult. Sometimes this 'new life' opens a path into breaking of gender norms and increased mobility. Other times, it comes along with unimaginable responsibilities. Life has a weird way of distributing happiness - doesn't it?
Our conversation turned towards parenting. Guess you never take a break from being a parent- do you? We both had been reading the book by Heather Shumaker 'Its Ok NOT to Share' and had been meaning to debrief on it! It is a fascinating read and so many of the topics 'hit close to the heart'. We talked as how taking turns makes so much sense instead of sharing. We won't give up reading a magazine if another person 'wants' it, would we? 'Sharing food and taking turn with toys' as Shumaker observes in the book. Guarding free play for children was another important one which came up for us instead of dictating what to play for them. Children have a right to free play and their own imagination!
My friend shared as how she has started writing down her 1.5 years old toddler's feelings on paper 'making them real'. For example, one of the days when they were feeling down, she asked if they missed their Papa. When the toddler indicated 'yes', she wrote down- Dear Papa, I miss you, Love Z. The toddler held on to the note and asked her to read it to them- again and again. They felt better after that expression. It was amazing for me to realize how words out aloud can affect us. And quietly also in my head, I realized I got to be careful as what I am speaking in front of my kid- they are like sponges. Last thing I want my kid to be out with a bunch of sh***y words in public.
The author also talks about the controversial topic about 'gun-play'. We chatted as how it is different (and dangerous) for some racial groups to do 'this harmless play' rather than other privileged ones. It is also different in different geographical contexts based on easy access to guns. We agreed that the context of 'gun play' made us nervous as parents. Maybe we will come to those terms when we get there. Some things are best dealt with when we come to that stage- aren't we learning each day as parents and as human beings?
Being two moms on a conversation date, we also had to talk about one toddler transitioning from two naps to one (it is hard work-if you are a parent you know that!) and the other toddler falling from surfaces and squirting sanitizer into his eyes (sigh!).Then we hopped in and out of the store picking up some things and sharing some more of life. The best conversations are when they flow- just like water! And best friendships are when we can do chores together- as my dear friend reflected! A perfect afternoon on a cold windy day. Couldn't have asked for more.....
